1st day

Tuesday, October 27 2009

This is the 1st time I am writing my feelings on this document. But this is not the 1st time I am writing something that I feel. I have written my feelings in blogs before. But all those time I have always stopped a few days or weeks later. I hope I can continue to write these feelings for many days, weeks and years to come.
Today, I watched a movie called Fireproof. It is mainly about a couple who has trouble on their marriage and is on the verge of having divorce. The father of the main actor then gives his son a book that state what to do for 40 days before finally giving in to signing the divorce papers. At 1st he was reluctant to do so. But after a few weeks, when his father show him that how religion has helped him in the course of his life and no matter how many times his son rejected the God, He stills love him unconditionally. That is when the main character of the story realizes that how one must learn to love before he can love someone else.
After watching this movie and during I felt like going to cell group. I am not a Christian by birth but my parents brought me up in an environment where we don’t reject other religious way of thoughts. I was born and brought up as a Buddhist but was sent to Sunday classes when I was young. The main reason that I feel like going to it is because that in the cell group one can share their thoughts and feelings with the cell mates, which is what I wanted. Though I am not sure if I am ready to share most of my thoughts with a group of people. What I really want is someone that is willing to listen to my worries and be there for me like what a close friend does (in movies only I guess).
From a young age, I was always dependent on my closest friends. But since I have come overseas to further my studies, I have learned that some friends may not be that sincere as they seem to us. I have poured all my heart and soul to my former best friend but was never quite returned. But as the saying goes, what you give isn’t always what you get. I finally learned how to let go.
Sometimes or probably most of the times I feel very lonely here as even though I have let go of my former best friend, I have not learned to how to deal with my feelings and have not find a way as an outlet for these feelings bottled up.
Recently I have been eyeing on a junior. His name is Nicholas. Today when he told me he is very interested in playing volleyball, I was very happy to hear it. One of the reasons was because finally there are some juniors that are willing to play volleyball. Second of all, I do not know the exact reason as to why I care so much about him but as usually I am really scared that my hostility towards him might frightened him away so as for now I still remain quiet although I really want to share my thoughts and feelings with him.
I think I have been rambling too much for a day. Maybe I should just stop here. I hope I will write soon and hope that it will become a habit of mine to write my thoughts of the day for everyday of my life.